The 3 Phases of Building your Sex Empire with your Partner
We all start off with a bang.
No matter the gender, sex is an intertwine of different emotions, usually “good” feeling ones that drives us to love and appreciate this person or people. We crash into a bond that you thrash in bed with, your lips not being able to peel away from this lover(s) of yours, because hey! That is your sexy fine piece person who you have he chance to explore.
You build an empire with them of sexual desire, perhaps even passion and love. You see them as your your naked partner(s) to help you rule this empire during this sexual relationship honeymoon period, whether that means simply a friends with benefits situation, dating, or marriage.
But what happens after about 4 months to a year? The novelty of exploring each others bodies has worn off, and the city that you built under the sheets, full of life, has quieted, perhaps even turned out the lights. That thrashing starts to calm in bed, your lips still kiss yet not as urgently, and you eventually just feel… well… stagnant.
As there is a natural cycle with human life, there is one in sexual relationships. Though fear not, because death doesn’t need to be involved in this lusty cycle of sex patterns!
Here, I will show you a sneak peek of one major popular reason why people visit sex and intimacy coaches, and the psychological processes that may have happened to get you to that place of seeking sexual guidance. These bits of information you can carry transitioning through this relationship with your person(s), no matter what stage you are!
I have personally designed a 3 point system of re-building sexual connection, written in a way for those who are shy talking about sex can approach this issue with curiosity and even a language to use with their own partner!
PHASE 1: I AM THE SEX DEITY
You have fallen from the sky! A goddess/god/deity of sex into this new persons bed… how exciting for you, a new experience of your naked vulnerability. This is a place where you approach from a point of view in your needs, even if that does mean giving pleasure to the other person.
At this stage, you carry not much idea of who this person truly is sexually, more the idea of what YOU want, such as the ideal “look” of your sexy person(s). You probably have a good idea of what you are like in bed, even what you like in bed.
During this phase is where you just start getting to know the other person(s), but more so you are concentrating on you in these moments. Here you are, being witnessed by another human- NAKED of all things! A couple of self-focused thoughts that may appear could be a handful of these…
“Does this angle of sex look good on me?”
“I hope they like that move I just did with my tongue…”
“Did they notice that perfume/cologne I am wearing?”
“I hope this person is good in bed for my sake”/”I hope that they think I am good in bed”
How you arrive in bed is mostly where you come from in your experience of past sexual fulfillment. This is a place where you are holding yourself and what you think sex is to a higher standard of awareness. Thus, your actions in sex are inspired from more your own beliefs than a shared belie, because those are what you know… for now! For all those female-identified people and those that like them, a British study showed that in the midst of this I AM A SEX DEITY phase, the more common interests and sexual preferences you had with partner(s), the less likely you would experience a lack of interest in sex.
PHASE 2: BUILDING THE SEXUAL EMPIRE
Here, you met this person(s) and they like you and you like them in bed- yay! The collaboration of wondrous ideas and fantasies are exchanged, sexy nights are being created. This is the point where you possibly may share that this person is your sexual soulmate. I know I have been guilty of both hearing and saying it… but it is hard not to when you are living in PURE bodily driven throes of ecstasy and hormones, what could sound more right?*
As the level of sexual closeness deepens, so does the desire for that person. We are driven by evolution to procreate, so upon finding a sexual lover(s), we automatically are wired to feel emotions of love and lust for them, helping evolution form the “parenting” bond. This doesn’t mean that your FWB relationship is automatically turning into raising a child- there are also cognitive factors that keep these feelings at bay!
We start to shift our perspective of I AM a sexual deity to WE are BOTH sexual deities- together! Fantasies are now being created with your other person(s) and conceptualizing your collaborative attempts to explore and find different pleasures, each carried from both you and your partner(s) experiences and curiosities. This is the honey moon phase of getting in touch with this other persons body.
Creating this world of yours seems like so much fun, you get lost in the aspect of expanding your empire as much as possible- moving from one project of sexual pleasure to another.
This is the stage where you lay the foundation of your sexual empire. Be sure to take your time and moderate the all the new things you want to try- doing them haphazardly doesn’t create the fulfilling foundation you need to keep that building in shape and want to revisit it. Figure out what strengths and weaknesses each person holds. Differences in sexual libidos may come to attention, with you or the other person(s) maybe feeling a little burnt out after all this sweaty play.
A big thing to hold close is communication of what barriers you feel you have come across building up your sex life with that person, no matter what sexual relationship you have. There is this huge stigma that a FWB relationship doesn’t welcome talk about issues with the sex you may be facing, thinking it crosses over into “relationship” category. Time to wake up and realize that even friendships go through hardships of finding faults too!
Be mindful, that while you want to check off every building you have imagined to build in your sexual empire, whether it be kinks, fantasies, or certain sex positions, there is no rush. The sex isn’t going to go away, but you will wear it out sooner than later if you believe it will.
*Check out more of this info in my Femme Forth workshop! January 26th!
PHASE 3: SITTING IN THE THRONES
Your city is built and you and your partner(s) now rule over an entire sex empire upon thrones. Your empire has prospered when the buildings were just built and the land was blooming in red roses of lust, yet time has come around. There is no space to build more it feels like, nor does it seem like there’s much tools on hand to fix the major repairs you have let go.
We have arrived at the stage of the sexual relationship where you have transitioned into a less passionate stance on sex- attachment. There is no urgency to be with your lover, because at this point you know that they doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, seeing as the sex throne you both sit upon is a comfy place.
This is a moment in the sexual relationship where you decide to either try, with your partner(s), to roll up your sleeves and make your sexual empire shine again, or decide that it is time to venture into the wild and search for new land individually.
If you do choose to shine up things with your sexy sweetie(s), first thing is first- get your ass up off the throne. It may be exactly the building that you know is the most well established, the one that provides the same pattern of sex that you like, with you never having to leave this royal property. Say goodbye to that roof with your partner; you can come back to it, warm as ever, but for now, time to explore. I suggest going all the way back to one of the first buildings you created, particularly one that you felt helped grow you together in sex and pleasure. It could be a memory of one night, or a role play that you both have eager chills from. Reminisce about that time together… what did it feel like? What did you love most about it? How did it even start? Exchange your thoughts of it until you feel a physical shift of emotion inside, perhaps even lust.
The most important thing to experience during this process of “repairing” sex is accessing the emotion you feel with re-exploring these experiences- apathy to sex doesn’t create a stir of lust.
Afterwards, attempt to take pieces of that conversation and implement them with mindfulness next time you are having sex. Perhaps your partner used the quality of “soft” when they said that they liked this certain move. If so, maybe a heavy wall banging session isn’t what you should go for. Did they mention, when they described how it started, that they were feeling super sexy from what they were wearing? Perhaps suggest for you both to dress up for next play session.
As always, there are many different ways of constructing your sexual relationships, the three phases I have designed are fundamentals that you can build from for you and your partners to work on ALWAYS feeling the the sexual deities that you are!
We carry forward many stresses about time limits when reaching the point of sitting bored in our sex thrones. “How much longer?” can be a nagging question when you think of sexual relationships being linear, with no recycling through. Re-constructing this mind frame of a sex life is key if you want to choose to re-enter exploring with the partner(s) you started with. Even if it took you quickly to build an empire (though it isn’t a race- taking your time is much more fun), it can take some time to revisit all the buildings you created.
Frantically running through your empire in search of something may start a riot or a fear that something is doomed. Explore with your partner in a leisurely stroll that you both are comfortable with in terms of pace, detail, and time. Sex isn’t work, it is a natural, motivating leisure… in other words- pleasure.